Working Throw the Pain
We all are born into this broken world and some time in our journey to the end we will end up broken and/or jaded. Maybe not at the same time... Or even over the same things, but life will break us down. And when you get to that point and you are trying to figure out what to do next that's when life really screams at you. What do you do... Pick the easy way... Pick the path more traveled... Pick your own path... Make the tough decisions? What do you do? Do you pick up the pieces and battle to the end where the rough waters become settled again. Or do you sit in your little boat floating along taking hit after hit until finally you sink right to the bottom.
I feel I have been to this place a time or two (or more). To that space where you have to start making up your mind. Are you going to be the winner or is life going to get the best of you! Your head spins, yells, and cries at you to do something, it tells you to get yourself together. Get on your knees at least and crawl even if you can't walk. Any small movement in the right direction is something to be proud of.
I find myself in this spot. And one step at a time I'm getting back to the place I want to be, the place that I have dreamed of being. I will not give up and I will not stay stuck. I am strong and smart. And I'll do what needs to be done. I understand everyone values things differently. Something’s are much more important to them than other things. This is that simple nature of life... and of the billions of people in the world.
Knowing Your Relationship
We are looking for that one person that completes us, that person who loves us, who share our morals and our values, that person who is honest and faithful to us and only us, because everything we see in them and need in them is what they see in us and need in us. So all problems aside you two united can make it through anything because of that simple yet complex connection.
All the temptation, frustration, fighting, happiness, sadness, fear, anger and hopelessness just melts together to bring you together as one. But it all starts by being able to share in the whole picture! In knowing and respecting what upsets the other person and what makes them feel better. In valuing the monogamy of a relationship if that is what your partner expects, or being grown and honest enough to get out of the relationship if you are not equally vested in it. Don't lead your partner on... Don't expect them to accept you for something or someone you said you weren't. This is why relationships fall apart. If you tell someone you will never stray and then you do, then why should they forgive you? Why should they trust you? Why should they love you?
Dishonesty... with others, with ourselves, with life. If you go into a relationship expecting honesty and commitment to one person, and then find out that either yourself or the other person couldn't handle that. Then your foundation breaks. You become unsure of everything that you thought that you once knew.
So why is it so hard for people to just grow a pair. Be honest... Stand up for your feelings... And what you believe you deserve. Why is it so hard for people to just be honest? Be honest so that your foundation can grow, be strong and solid. Is this really to much to ask? We have all been hurt in one way or another… but why continue causing pain to someone you love when all you have to do is be honest.
I have made it very clear throughout my relationship what I expect and feel from the beginning. That I am me and that is who I always will be. Over emotional at time, stressed and sometimes depressed, funny, happy, sad, smart, caring, loving and willing to do anything to help others among other things. And with that I have made I clear that I will not tolerate being cheated on, treated like shit, lied to or ignored. Because I deserve that!
So with that in mind don't settle for someone that hurts you... Don't settle for someone that doesn't value your values... your ideas... your goals... your beliefs because in the end you will find that it turns into nothing other then heartache and pain. The stress of the situation will start to eat away at the foundation of your structure that you have and piece by piece it will start to crumble and break and finally fall the fuck down. So be mindful of the things that you say and do to the one’s you love. Because in the end you will need them and you will be happy they are there.
Well it's been almost a year since I have written anything on here but I have decided that it was time to start writing again and what better place to do it then here...
- Well going for my RN was a bust... I since have gone back to get my B.S in Human Services and if all goes well I will be done at the end of July. Which is super exciting because I'm so sick of school and so sick of being stuck at home depot.
- There have been a lot of ups and down in the last yearish since I last posted on here. Drama with men, life, work and school. Finally figured out what was wrong with my back. My discs in my lower are messed up. I guess it's nice to know, not that anything much has been done for it. I think that it's messed up how doctors are so unaware of what the hell it means to be a good doctor is. I used to want to be part of that field and I'm glad that I didn't get into it because I would hate to have turned in the what most of them have. You have to of really wanted to help people to go into a field like that that takes so much time and effort, yet most doctors you deal with have forgotten why the hell they went into the field in the first place.
- I got my internship at Hillside. Which I was happy about because I get to deal with kids and teens instead of old people or just people that are disabled. Hopefully I will be able to find something quickly after I graduate in my field so that I can get out of HD.
- Shaun G and I finally got together after 100 years of waiting for him to get his head out of his ass so that he'd give me a chance. He doesn't get how much he has meant to me over the years. And how much I have cared about him since before we were ever good friends. I'm not sure he will ever really get that but I guess that's okay. The most important thing is that he knows how much I love him and will continue to love him forever. He means so much to me. And although he knows how to push my buttons better then no other he also knows just how to make me feel better and understands what I'm thinking and saying (most of the time) better then anyone else. He has always been there to hold my heart when it was breaking and all I wanted to do was to die. He has been one of my bestest friends through out the last 10 years. And I hope that, that just grows for the years to come.
- So maybe life is finally falling into place so what. Maybe there is light at the end of this dark tunnel I have been walking through for the last 25 years. I can finally breath again. I'm hoping that this is the start of a happy chapter of my life that will just continue to get happier as time goes on. There will be new happy adventures instead of depressing and dreadful horrors.
- Well I guess that's all I have to talk about for now. I will update again soon. Talk to you all soon. Bye's.
Well I haven't written anything lately and since I have a little time and I'm losing my mind I guess I will now.
So what's new... Well I'm trying to go back to get my LPN and fore - go this RN thing for right now. I want a career and I want one now. I want to be able to start my life and be able to afford it not having to worry about money every day. I know that won't go away right away but things will be much more comfortable then they are now. I'm excited about it but I'm trying not to get to into it yet because I know that with the way my luck is, it may all fall apart. *crosses fingers - hope all goes as needed*
I have been working like crazy and still trying to keep up with life and class work. Most of the time I am, but there's some day that something has to give and it's usually school shit. I'm so sick of school. Another reason I just want to be done.
On the guy front I'm seeing this guy Josh. It's defentually different then things with people in the past. I'm not really sure why but it is. I'm also not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I worry about the same shit as always though, I'm pretty sure that there should be a way to turn off my worry center in my brain because it just stresses the fuck out of me. I try to let it go but we all know that, this is often easier said then done.
So I was driving to class today and I was thinking about flirting and cheating... and the line that lays in-between. And my conclusion is that if you have to hide what your doing, saying, or probably even thinking (because thoughts usually turn into actions) then you have probably crossed that line between just being a flirt and cheating. I can be a flirt don't get me wrong but it's all done harmlessly. The things I say/do if seen by someone I am with would 99% of the time not cause hard feelings. General jealousy yes probably because that's just how it goes but nothing major.
Now with that said that seems like a pretty simple idea and shows respect for the person that you are with. So why is it that some people don't understand that. That saying you want to do dirty things to someone you aren't with, is majorly disrespectful to the person you are with. They my just be word and jokes but that doesn't make it any less disrespectful. Whether you consider it cheating or not when that's being done... if roles were reversed can you truly say that you wouldn't have a problem with it? Can you say that it wouldn't make you feel like you were some what worthless? Would you want someone to do those things behind your back? Would it give you a warm fuzzy happy feeling? I doubt it. And it has nothing to do with trusting the words will never take action... it has to do with having enough respect for the person you are with to take a long hard look at how that could be making them feel and are you being fair to them. I don't know. Just a train of thought I guess.
So on another note. I'm moving to B'ville May 1st. Not exactaully the happiest about the move but it's growing on me. Things at the new house are starting to come along and the garage here hasn't fallen down yet so those are steps in the right direction. But the dogs will be mad happy because they will have a small but fenced in yard to run and play in. So that's cool.
I can't wait for the semester is over so that I can maybe hang out with my friends for more then an hour lunch period of time. I guess that's all I have to talk about. Hope all is going well with everyone else. Talk to you all soon.
Sun, Dec. 20th, 2009, 12:16 am
hi hi blah blah
People say that no one can change that they will always be the same as they have been. And I don't think this is the case. Although there are things in people that can't change there are plenty of things in everyone that change all the time. People are always growing and learning in this life... that's just what life is about. And everyone has their problems that they need to work through. Sometime life allows use to have the time we need to do that and sometimes it doesn't.
I haven't blogged since the end of the semester and fast approaching is the new semester. I can and can't wait for the semester to begin I know it's going to be crazy... I'm going to have a lot of studying to do and a lot of homework to do. But two of my course are math and then I have a childhood education physics class. Idk I just think it's going to be an interesting yet frustrating semester. And Jennie is going to be in one of my math classes so at least I'll have a friend.
My Dad died in May and the funeral was on my birthday. It was an odd way to spend my birthday and probably the most depressing way that I will also ever spend it. But the good new is that I got to be there. I got to be there with all my family and was there to support them as they were there to support my brother and I. One day I knew that this would happen but I thought that it'd be down the road hopefully after I got married and what not. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night like I had heard something and as I'm falling back asleep the whole thing creeps back into my head as I'm trying to fall asleep. I don't know why... but it does. I do know I miss him even though I didn't ever really get to see or talk to him.
Hugh had his weeks vacation a couple weeks ago.... we took the girls to sea-breeze and then on the way home at 10pm we stopped at Denny's for dinner. It was a lot of fun. And although the weatherman said it might rain it stayed clear all day and was hot enough that the water rides were refreshing.
I miss the beach and I miss my friends. Going to NJ and walking on the shore reminded me how much I miss the water and the beach and going to the beach to watch the stars and the sunset. Listening to the water is so peaceful. I miss my friends. All I wanted while I was in NJ was to know I was that I could come home to all my bestests. Tiffany is great and I'm so glad that she's still close because other wise I really think that I'd lose my mind sometimes. Jen might be coming back from SC sometime soon.... maybe who knows though with those guys. I'll believe it when they are really back.
And I did better then I thought I was going to over all last semester. I even passed that Great lakes course. I ended with like a 3.6 for the semester!!!
Well I think that's all I have to talk about for now. So I'm going to get going I'll update again soon. Hope all is going well with everyone out there. Love you all.
So it's been awhile since I posted anything, so since I have a few mins of piece and quite I thought I would write.
- Some things haven't gone as planned like always but for the most part things are going well.
- I spent all that time to get my certification for CHHA and all it turned into was bullshit sooo I said fuck it. I can work anywhere pretty much and make what I was going to with that so all I'm really out is my time.
- I'm doing well in my classes. I have like one C, maybe two B's and the other three are A's thus far. So that good.
- I found out pretty much no matter what I do it's going to take me another 5 semester/2.5 years to get my BA in education. That's was pretty depressing news.
-I need to find a job that's flexible and part time for while I'm in school but pretty much full time for the summer and winter.
- I took a math test Thursday night and found out that I passed it, which means now I can take the math I need for my degree!!
- We redid the girls room they now have bunk beds that are white with fairies and butterflys and stuff on them. It look cute. It kind of gave them more room and stuff too, so that's good.
- I have done three loads of laundry today, and re-orgainized the garage and the girls toys. Should have wrote a paper but I don't see that happening.
- Cait was home and Tiff, her and I all went out to eat with Amber and her friend that was nice. I would have been nice to get to spend more time with Cait while she was in town but such is life. After dinner Tiff and I went to the crunch game. Which we were an hour late for because her and I got lost trying to get there then spent another 20 mins trying to find a parking spot.
- Hummm... we got a new dog. Lol. That probably wasn't the smartest idea but we did it anyways. I thought the girls would like having a puppy to play with. So hopfully they will like her more once she has some manners.
- Things with Hugh and I are going well. He really makes me happy and I'm glad that we finally have things straightened.
- Other then that nothing really new is going on. If anyone knows of any place that's hiring let me know. :o) Hope all is going well with everyone. Talk to you all soon.
Sitting back not knowing what to say,
wondering what I should do.
Thinking about what I should say,
so much I would like to show you,
no idea of what shoud be done.
Different moments pass me by,
times when I don't know what to do.
I don't like seeing you sad,
it's not right for that to happen to you.
So many times I wan to talk,
but I don't know where to start.
I really do want to help,
but I don't know what to say.
I don't know if it will help,
or if it will hurt our friendship.
Never would I want this to happen.
I always want to be there for you,
whenever you need me,
I will try and be there,
reight beside you through it all,
the rough and dirty parts,
I want to be your everything.
So it's Tuesday and I thought while I had a few mins before I had to get the kids ready for dance class I'd blog it up.
~My fin. aid isn't as nice as I thought it was going to be but that's okay it's better then I was getting at ESC.
~ I have to wait until Jan. 8th to schedule classes. When I go in for transfere oriantation.... that's a pain. But I think I already complained about that. Lol.
~ My boss's husband is trying to get me to stay instead of leaving at the begining of the year. He's putting together some figures to offer me. The pain in the ass thing is it's really flattering but it's a pain to have to keep saying no all over again. Because I really can't stay. I have to do this school thing or I'm just never going to get done with it. But I guess it'll be interesting to see how much they are willing to through at me in order not to replace me.
~ I'm worried about finding something new come Jan. but at the same time I can't just stay for some cash and be a whole other year behind.
~ It's snowing like huge crazy flakes at the moment. They look like cotton balls falling from the sky.
~You ever know what needs to happen and that everything will be great once it does but it seems so hard to make it happen. Even when all things are working in your favor it still seems to stall out or get more complicated then it needs to be. Like truely does striving for love and happiness always have to be such a twisted road?
~ Everything happens for a reason and all lessons that are learned in life are important. Even if it doesn't seem like it matters all that much at the time. And if we aren't willing to learn from things and fallow our heart when it tells us something then in the long run what will we have done with our lives?
~ I'm a very logical person don't get me wrong so falling your heart used to sound crazy because you'd probably end up getting hurt more times then not. And although that has seemed to be the cause for me more times then not I still plan on fallowing it to the end. Because if your not living with you heart then you not really living. It's the most sensitive part of who we are, which means that we are more capable of feeling all the things that are going on. Love, happiness, sadness, anger, hurt, contentment and so on.
~Okay I'm done for now. I don't know maybe none of that makes sense but thought i'd through it out there. I'm tired so sometimes I rabble about things that don't much make sense.
~Hope all is going well with everyone. Talk to you all soon. Bye's for now.
Wed, Nov. 19th, 2008, 01:40 pm
...women are drama/emotional...
This I have found is not as true as some may think. Boys drunk text their ex's just like girls, blow up over nothing, don't listen and only see what they want to see, they drink/do drugs to drowned out the pain, they whine, they talk shit, and best of all they wreck their own lives and then blame it on the falled relationship. Well guess what I think that we all know (as women) that men are just as much as any women and sometimes worse. So don't blame anything on anyone but yourself because that's usually who's at blame 98% of the time. And if you miserable and pissed off then just leave the other person the hell alone don't go getting all up in their face. Okay I'm done bitching now.
...distance makes the heart grow fonder...
well enough said there. And if it doesn't then it's not ment to be. If you didn't strive for the things that are far away then they really don't mean much to you after all. I miss all my friends that have gotten soooo far away. It makes me realize how much I love them and really how important they are as a part of my life. I'd do anything to have them all back around me. Okay I'm off to get the kids cleaned up from lunch. Sorry about the ranting and raving today. Hope all is going well for everyone. Talk to you soon. Love you all.
I was thinking I want another tattoo... my thought is to get the chinese symbols for peace, love and harmony. My first thought was to get it across the top of my foot kind of in a v - shape but now I'm think getting it on my chest and having the love one done over my heart. Hummm so any thoughts? Not that I'll probably be able to afford to get it done right away but I thought it might be cool.
Because I'm a transfere I can't register for classes until like forever from now. This sucks. I really wanted to try and get a decent schedule together so I could start looking for another job because I'm don't with this one at the end of Dec. But the good news is that OCC transfered my shot record so I didn't have to try and pull that out of my ass. I might get enough money that I only have to work part time instead of fulltime that'd be AWESOME!!! And a lot easier.
Ummm and I want Jen and Cait to come home... I suck at making friends with girls and all I have left is Tiffany. Not that she's not great but our schedules don't mesh well. Lol. Okay I'm done whining now. Talk to you all soon. Hope all is going well. Let me know what you all think of the Tattoo idea or if you have a better idea let me know.
Love you all,